" I often wonder what people are like. Not what they look like, but what they are like inside."
Bones. And meat. Some water. Lot of water actually.
"Are they happy or sad?"
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
"Do they have a pet? Are they a mystical creature in disguise? Maybe I will never know."
No luck on the "mystical creature in disguise" so far :/ The pets thing though, yeah. Lotsa people have 'em.
"So that is why I have made this post. I feel like sharing some things about myself."
When do you not? You're still doing it now.
"The Things That Make Me Angry:
My Self: My awkwardness,"
Still working on it, we're getting there.
"my zits,"
Good news! It happens to a lot of adults still, but not to you
"my voice."
I can't even remember what I didn't like about my voice
"I am not very self confident."
The key is to take the hatred for yourself and recycle it *thumbs up*
"I feel awkward and dumb."
You get a lot of compliments on your smarts and talent. You don't believe them, but hey, progress
"I feel like everyone around me just happens to be so much better."
Everyone is trying just as much as you were. You just didn't want the same life goals and weren't naturally gifted with "do well in school" powers
"My Family: Chewing, slurping,"
Turns out it's called Misophonia. Your brain does a thing where certain noises activate your fight or flight response. Be glad you don't want someone in your life you'd eat stuff with regularly. 'Till death do us part would be pretty quick, lol
"yelling,"
They're working with each other and they've learned a lot. That or you just have better quality headphones
"the inability for them to get me a kitten."
The cat you already had was one of the best things to every happen to you. Tell her I love her for me.
"I hate when they take me places I don't want to go."
You get a lot more agency as you grow up. You also had to deal with a pandemic, so you didn't have to go anywhere for like two years, so....
"I hate it when my parents tell me that I need to wash my face, brush my teeth, brush my hair, put on deodorant. I know what hygiene is and how to spell it too."
All of that seems easier now that I've made a routine of it. Dunno what else to say about that. Brush your hair, though. You won't, because I still remember that two-hour hair combing/hacking experience, but unfortunately - due to the linear course of time - I cannot truly contact you to heed my warning. (And letting myself know in advance would be a paradox because then I wouldn't have experienced that, so I would have nothing to warn you about so you would do it but then that would mean that I-)
"The Environment: Littering, dead animals, heartlessness, cutting
down trees, landfills, the government, the news, concrete jungles. Hence
the name Environmentally Challenged."
:/
"Everything Else:"
"Things That Make Me Happy:"
Uhhh... working on it.
Drawing? YouTube? Oh! You finally made that YouTube channel that you always wanted! You have 35 subscribers! Well, 34 now. I'm not sure who saw me post something and then was like "Nah, I cannot stand this". Same, tho lol
"It happens. You feel sad, you feel depressed. This is the way that life works. Not one person truly understands depression until you have felt it for yourself."
I... still don't know what to think about this one. There are good moments. You always forget them when things get bad again, but I promise they still exist. I know you hate that advise, but I'm serious. It takes a while, but good days do come and I'm actively working to make them better.
"I knew someone who seemed sad and when asked what was wrong he would say "I'm just, I'm just *Sigh* depressed" NO. Depressed is not SAD, it's a feeling of emptiness. Nothing. And surprise, surprise, it sucks!"
Other people's symptoms won't go away just because you don't think they're real. Depression can be sad. For you, it was empty for so long that you let yourself get bitter and tried to justify that your pain made you better or wiser than other people. You wanted to belong so bad, but you never found relate-ablity in other people's joy, so you figured if you could prove you were hurt enough it would make them care. That it would rid them of their seeming contempt for you, their pity, their ignorance.
I want to believe that people notice when I'm in pain, but I'm still scared they'll give me nothing but pity and I'll make us both sad. And honestly, no matter how much you talked, or wrote, or cried, or bled, no one could ever give you what you need.
They try. You know that you're loved, but you will be alone a lot. You've gotten a lot farther than you thought you would, and - for my future self - I'm going to keep going.
"Being a middle-schooler is more difficult than it looks. We don't even know what we're saying most of the time!"
Got that right. I won't pretend to be a beacon of knowledge at the age of eighteen, but I do know that middle school kinds sucks, but it also ends. And you had some really cool classmates and an awesome teacher, you just didn't get to appreciate that until later.
Why were these the things so horrible that you considered publishing these, but never did? Maybe I was scared that people would judge me for being negative. Or too naive. I think I never really knew what to expect from other people when it came to reactions. Didn't know what would earn me their trust or understanding. I still don't know what the future holds, or how and why people react (or reacted) like that. But at some point, you have to live a life. You can't avoid having an impact on other people, so you might as well try your best to enjoy yourself. You're a good person.
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