A Response to my 13 Year Old Self: Alone

"Am I alone? Does anyone read my blog at all? The most page views I have ever had was 18! Two of those were other people, the rest was me."

God, what a loser lol

"Am I alone? Are there really other people? Is everyone I know a hologram? A robot? Figments of my imagination?"

Who cares if it's a bad game of sims, you still want to learn new stuff and interact with new people. And old people. Not like, "people who are old" (but them too sometimes), like "people you have interacted with before". You still keep in touch with a few people. You've expanded your social circle already. (By like 5 people you don't know well yet, but you know)

"Am I alone? Am I the different one? Am I real? Am I not human? Am I something else entirely and I just don't know it?"

If only you knew what words to google. "Derealization" btw. "Depersonalization" too. I can see why I always wanted to find out that I was secretly something else. It's easier emotionally to think you're a normal "other" than a defective human being. You're not though. Defective, I mean. Or an alien, robot, creature, or other monster (still holding out for those though, would be very cool)

"Is this real?"

It's the only reality you've got

"Am I in a simulation?"

Could be.

"Am I a video game character?"

God, I wish

"Am I giving out information to spies with what I think is a language?"

I remember thinking about this theory a lot, as well as many others like it. Simply put, unlikely. Even if you did, you'll just have to cross that bridge when you get to it. Sorry fellow resistance agents :/

"Will all of this vanish when I die? Will I just wake up?"

I do still wonder whether or not you're limited to your own memories. If you truly do replay your life before you die, theoretically you could permanently exist in your own self-contained consciousness loop and you'd never know because by the time the loop starts again you live your life over again and anything you did in your life is already laid out and a self-fulfilling prophecy somehow both completely up to fate, but also determined by your own free will, even though it would have happened anyway. 

You still try to remember the loops and if you've seen this before. Would explain why you had deja-vu all the time. And your little corpse-cold fingers.  (more willing to blame that on poor circulation tho)

"Do I know I haven't been given false memories and I was always this age? If I have false memories, my parents might not be my parents! Everyone around me could be lying!"

Eh, even if. Adds that extra narrative flair to life   (wow, you hadn't even seen The Matrix yet. Or the billion other things that rely on that same premise..)

"I could have died and doctors gave me some "second chance" on a computer!"

That would be pretty cool actually. Who cares if I'm the real me.   (I do still, kinda.. maybe... a lot)

"I might be dying right now and I was given a look back through my life before then! It would explain why my fingers are cold all the time, why I have deja vu all the time."

Wait, didn't I just say all of that before?  time is a circle, i guess nevermind

"Huh, existentialism. Such a funny and nonsensical and trivial thing."

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

"But I still ask you, How Can I Tell?"

'Ya can't.

"Are You Out There?"

I am.