A Response to my 13 Year Old Self: More unposted drafts

 "Yesterday, I created a world for myself. It has always been there but I could not see it unless I changed my perspective. The world is different if only you look upside-down. Then it becomes my world. No one else is there because they are afraid to look ridiculous for the sake of social normality. It seems to me that most of our problems are those that we create ourselves. And to think, you still look ridiculous to me because you are the ones that are standing on the ceiling.

It is interesting to see all of the clocks so close to the floor"

I haven't done that since then. I should try it some time.

 

 

"My sea is made of stars."

Pretty.

"My brain is full of clouds."

You should see a doctor about that

"My heart is filled with love."

Incorrect, it's filled with blood

"My eyes see."

Yeah, I would hope so

"If you can open your eyes to my world you will see.
I look at my world snow and no one is here.
Where are you?
I need you,
but you cannot draw water from an empty well.
How do you expect to help others if you cannot help yourself."

Can you stop projecting inner turmoil for like 10 seconds?

"How can I love myself if they hate me because they hate themselves.
In a world where people hate even themselves how are we supposed to help the Earth.
The Earth loves us but out of the hate for ourselves we kill it."

It's not you, it's the corporations and billionaires. Failing to recycle a plastic bottle didn't set the ocean on fire, it's the greed of people so removed from the rest of the populace that they cannot fathom compassion anymore. Oh, forgot to tell you that, the ocean is on fire now. Happy 2021.

"I have longed to be someone special for so long but I am who I am.
I cannot change myself but I would die for a good cause."

You would have died for anything, you were depressed.

"I am thirteen. How old are you?"

Eighteen.

"It doesn't matter."

Wow, rude

"Whatever YOU can do to help the very ground WE stand on, whatever it takes,
it's WORTH IT."

I don't know how to help. The task seems hopeless and insurmountable sometimes, but I am still trying. I doubt motivation blog posts will fix systemic issues, but it was a good effort. Not to be a nihilist, I really do still hope that together we can make this better. You, me, and the world of people making a good effort.

"My mind works differently than yours.
It is ok that you don't understand.
But to me, instead of spending your life learning how to die, spend it learning how to LIVE."

Practice what you preach. From where I'm standing - well actually I'm sitting like a boiled shrimp in my office chair - you've still got a ways to go.

""Every time she closed her eyes, she dreamed of paradise" - Coldplay"

A Coldplay lyric. Classy. What a weird video. Do you think there was someone at a pitch meeting that was like "what imagery do you want for a song about sadness and escapism from the mundane?" "I was thinking maybe an elephant on a unicycle"

"Yesterday was the last day of one story and the beginning of a new one.
I learned so much, I laughed too hard, I failed, I passed, I failed better the next time.
There are no words that I can find to describe all of the pain, the happiness, the fun.
There were struggles that made me cry, but there were so many more times that gave me joy and hope and magical mammals (Inside Joke)."

I don't remember what the joke was. Wish I did. I don't remember all of these feelings either.

"There are so many different people on this planet. You will most likely never meet all of them. But the wonderful people that I have met these past two years are the most crazy gathering of nine people I have ever known."

Still true. I wonder what they're doing now?

"There was our teacher, who, up until yesterday, never realized how much she ordered us around. She also doesn't realize that we never cared that she told us to clean up, get packed, do this, do that. We loved her because we knew she was just being mother-ish. She wanted to prepare us for everything in the future. She gave us locks for lockers and wouldn't let us leave until we had unlocked them three times. She gave us latin roots, she taught us how to diagram a sentence, she showed us how the economy works, she gave us music, she gave us inspiration, and most of all, she gave us our little school."

...

A Response to my 13 Year Old Self: Post

 Wow, what an inventive title..

"For some reason life has become stressful. Even the thought of sleeping is stressful."

You're counting down the seconds until you die in your head all the time. Of course that's stressful.

"Can I wake up on time for school?"

You were so repetitively late that by the last day of school, everyone gathered to celebrate "our last morning ritual *sniff*" and all you had to say was "wait, we had a morning ritual?"

You... don't fix it.. 

"Can I go to bed at the right time and not stay up for three hours staring at the ceiling? Will today be the day I wake up on time and not feel like crap?"

I have no clue why our insomnia changed. I sleep pretty normally now. Perhaps a little too much. Only like 10 hours. Is that bad?

"When do I get my alarm clock working?"

Oh.. right..that. Um...

"At what time do I have to wake up to feel like there are enough hours in the day?"

It's on a randomizer. Most days you wake up refreshed and then get panicked that you've wasted your life and try to fix it all, but by then it's like 11:30 and the day is over. Rinse and repeat

"When will people stop telling me to go to bed earlier as if it's an easy task?"

When you actually stop going to bed super late

"WHEN WILL I STOP BEING STRESSED ABOUT SLEEPING?"

IT JUST KINDA HAPPENS. I WISH I COULD TELL YOU HOW I DID IT, BUT I HONESTLY CAN'T REMEMBER. WHY ARE WE YELLING?!

"I want to do something fun other than just spending my life on the computer."

 Yeaaahhh, uh.. about that...

"I try to think of fun things but nothing interests me. I want to travel the world, save lives, find lost treasure, fight dragons, keep dragons as pets. I read too many books, watch too many movies. I'm not a hero, I'm a girl in middle school who likes to play video games."

Now, you're a girl in college who watches too many TV shows and likes to play video games.

"I feel like wearing whatever is in the back of my closet no longer suits me. I want to change my look."

You wear exclusively solid-color t-shirts and jeans now. For every occasion.. Sometimes you wear a jacket or a hoodie and..  I'm still the same person, aren't I? Oh well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

"I look scary in makeup,"

Still true

"I am too lazy to try "10 second hairstyles for lazy girls" because you need the new "Tresemme super-hair-holder" or something, and I hate shopping.Grrr."

I just want the even lazier route and got a clothing subscription box. And you just switch between a half-up bun and having your hair down, no (INSERT BRAND NAME) needed.

"I feel as though I am empty sad confused irritated stressed a teenager I don't know."

Maybe. But all of those things are impermanent. Doesn't make them mean less, but it does change

A Response to my 13 Year Old Self: Alone

"Am I alone? Does anyone read my blog at all? The most page views I have ever had was 18! Two of those were other people, the rest was me."

God, what a loser lol

"Am I alone? Are there really other people? Is everyone I know a hologram? A robot? Figments of my imagination?"

Who cares if it's a bad game of sims, you still want to learn new stuff and interact with new people. And old people. Not like, "people who are old" (but them too sometimes), like "people you have interacted with before". You still keep in touch with a few people. You've expanded your social circle already. (By like 5 people you don't know well yet, but you know)

"Am I alone? Am I the different one? Am I real? Am I not human? Am I something else entirely and I just don't know it?"

If only you knew what words to google. "Derealization" btw. "Depersonalization" too. I can see why I always wanted to find out that I was secretly something else. It's easier emotionally to think you're a normal "other" than a defective human being. You're not though. Defective, I mean. Or an alien, robot, creature, or other monster (still holding out for those though, would be very cool)

"Is this real?"

It's the only reality you've got

"Am I in a simulation?"

Could be.

"Am I a video game character?"

God, I wish

"Am I giving out information to spies with what I think is a language?"

I remember thinking about this theory a lot, as well as many others like it. Simply put, unlikely. Even if you did, you'll just have to cross that bridge when you get to it. Sorry fellow resistance agents :/

"Will all of this vanish when I die? Will I just wake up?"

I do still wonder whether or not you're limited to your own memories. If you truly do replay your life before you die, theoretically you could permanently exist in your own self-contained consciousness loop and you'd never know because by the time the loop starts again you live your life over again and anything you did in your life is already laid out and a self-fulfilling prophecy somehow both completely up to fate, but also determined by your own free will, even though it would have happened anyway. 

You still try to remember the loops and if you've seen this before. Would explain why you had deja-vu all the time. And your little corpse-cold fingers.  (more willing to blame that on poor circulation tho)

"Do I know I haven't been given false memories and I was always this age? If I have false memories, my parents might not be my parents! Everyone around me could be lying!"

Eh, even if. Adds that extra narrative flair to life   (wow, you hadn't even seen The Matrix yet. Or the billion other things that rely on that same premise..)

"I could have died and doctors gave me some "second chance" on a computer!"

That would be pretty cool actually. Who cares if I'm the real me.   (I do still, kinda.. maybe... a lot)

"I might be dying right now and I was given a look back through my life before then! It would explain why my fingers are cold all the time, why I have deja vu all the time."

Wait, didn't I just say all of that before?  time is a circle, i guess nevermind

"Huh, existentialism. Such a funny and nonsensical and trivial thing."

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

"But I still ask you, How Can I Tell?"

'Ya can't.

"Are You Out There?"

I am.

A Response to my 13 Year Old Self: Assortment of unpublished drafts

" I often wonder what people are like. Not what they look like, but what they are like inside."

 Bones. And meat. Some water. Lot of water actually.

 "Are they happy or sad?"

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

"Do they have a pet? Are they a mystical creature in disguise? Maybe I will never know."

 No luck on the "mystical creature in disguise" so far :/ The pets thing though, yeah. Lotsa people have 'em.

"So that is why I have made this post. I feel like sharing some things about myself."

When do you not? You're still doing it now.

 

"The Things That Make Me Angry:

My Self: My awkwardness,"

 Still working on it, we're getting there.

"my zits,"

 Good news! It happens to a lot of adults still, but not to you

"my voice."

 I can't even remember what I didn't like about my voice

"I am not very self confident."

The key is to take the hatred for yourself and recycle it  *thumbs up*

"I feel awkward and dumb."

 You get a lot of compliments on your smarts and talent. You don't believe them, but hey, progress

"I feel like everyone around me just happens to be so much better."

Everyone is trying just as much as you were. You just didn't want the same life goals and weren't naturally gifted with "do well in school" powers

"My Family: Chewing, slurping,"

 Turns out it's called Misophonia. Your brain does a thing where certain noises activate your fight or flight response. Be glad you don't want someone in your life you'd eat stuff with regularly. 'Till death do us part would be pretty quick, lol

"yelling,"

 They're working with each other and they've learned a lot. That or you just have better quality headphones

 "the inability for them to get me a kitten."

 The cat you already had was one of the best things to every happen to you. Tell her I love her for me.

 "I hate when they take me places I don't want to go."

 You get a lot more agency as you grow up. You also had to deal with a pandemic, so you didn't have to go anywhere for like two years, so....

"I hate it when my parents tell me that I need to wash my face, brush my teeth, brush my hair, put on deodorant. I know what hygiene is and how to spell it too."

All of that seems easier now that I've made a routine of it. Dunno what else to say about that. Brush your hair, though. You won't, because I still remember that two-hour hair combing/hacking experience, but unfortunately - due to the linear course of time - I cannot truly contact you to heed my warning. (And letting myself know in advance would be a paradox because then I wouldn't have experienced that, so I would have nothing to warn you about so you would do it but then that would mean that I-)

"The Environment: Littering, dead animals, heartlessness, cutting down trees, landfills, the government, the news, concrete jungles. Hence the name Environmentally Challenged."

:/

"Everything Else:"


"Things That Make Me Happy:"

 Uhhh... working on it. 

Drawing? YouTube? Oh! You finally made that YouTube channel that you always wanted! You have 35 subscribers! Well, 34 now. I'm not sure who saw me post something and then was like "Nah, I cannot stand this". Same, tho lol

 

 

"It happens. You feel sad, you feel depressed. This is the way that life works.  Not one person truly understands depression until you have felt it for yourself."

I... still don't know what to think about this one. There are good moments. You always forget them when things get bad again, but I promise they still exist. I know you hate that advise, but I'm serious. It takes a while, but good days do come and I'm actively working to make them better.

"I knew someone who seemed sad and when asked what was wrong he would say "I'm just, I'm just *Sigh* depressed" NO. Depressed is not SAD, it's a feeling of emptiness. Nothing. And surprise, surprise, it sucks!"

Other people's symptoms won't go away just because you don't think they're real. Depression can be sad. For you, it was empty for so long that you let yourself get bitter and tried to justify that your pain made you better or wiser than other people. You wanted to belong so bad, but you never found relate-ablity in other people's joy, so you figured if you could prove you were hurt enough it would make them care. That it would rid them of their seeming contempt for you, their pity, their ignorance.

 I want to believe that people notice when I'm in pain, but I'm still scared they'll give me nothing but pity and I'll make us both sad. And honestly, no matter how much you talked, or wrote, or cried, or bled, no one could ever give you what you need. 

They try. You know that you're loved, but you will be alone a lot. You've gotten a lot farther than you thought you would, and - for my future self - I'm going to keep going.

"Being a middle-schooler is more difficult than it looks. We don't even know what we're saying most of the time!"

Got that right. I won't pretend to be a beacon of knowledge at the age of eighteen, but I do know that middle school kinds sucks, but it also ends. And you had some really cool classmates and an awesome teacher, you just didn't get to appreciate that until later.  

Why were these the things so horrible that you considered publishing these, but never did? Maybe I was scared that people would judge me for being negative. Or too naive. I think I never really knew what to expect from other people when it came to reactions. Didn't know what would earn me their trust or understanding. I still don't know what the future holds, or how and why people react (or reacted) like that. But at some point, you have to live a life. You can't avoid having an impact on other people, so you might as well try your best to enjoy yourself. You're a good person.

A Response to my 13 Year Old Self: Endings and Beginnings

 "All things end. It may be sad when they do, but would you really wish you never knew it, or that it was there once. I have had a few people and things that I loved and they left. They are not coming back from where they went, but I wouldn't change the fact that I met them, that I loved them."

 I am coming back to this page as someone who has left behind many friends and, most recently in May, my beloved cat. 

You were right back then. I still feel the same way. I wouldn't trade the time I got to spend with them and the memories I have, even though it hurts sometimes. Miette was a really sweet and amazing part of our life.

You get to spend six more years with her. You start to notice that she's getting old and sick, but she still tries her best to jump up onto your bed to comfort you. There comes a time where you'll have to lift her, but you won't mind. It begins to give your life a strange kind of importance to take care of her, to feel like you made the most of the time you had left. You wake up one day next to her and by the way she's breathing, you can tell it's the end. She lives for another day or so, curled up in your bathroom. You sleep on the floor to be closer to her. You play recordings of your voice and her purr for her and you can tell it gives her comfort. You start to cry in a way you didn't think you still could and she looks into your eyes and softly blinks. You both found your own way to tell each-other it's okay. And it is. 

You'll miss her for the rest of your life. It'll be weird to close your door all the time. Weird not to need to remember to buy cat food, not to see her in the garden. 

And whenever a storm happens, you still wonder if she's cold out there.

"I often wonder why they chose to leave or if it was even their choice. If they chose to leave us behind for something else, what could possibly have been so appealing.

When they go it is hard to understand why, hard to let them go. But hear this now. Maybe,just maybe, we are a better person for it. Think of the things you have accomplished without them. The things you didn't have the courage to do, the things you did because you said "For _____!". Even the small things you did for that person you saw on the sidewalk because you remembered a loved one, made that person's whole world change.

One day, even you will leave. But when you go, just remember, if you where kind, if you smiled at least once, made someone laugh, cheered someone up, there will be people who miss you and who became better people because of you. "

 

It's worth it to stay alive. It's worth it to put your heart out there. I still have difficulty with that, but (for one stupid kid's heartbroken ramble) it has the right message. Thanks.

"And you know what? Maybe the ones who you thought left you behind, maybe they always knew you'd see them again. And in that case, I suggest you tell them everything you did, because the two of you have a lot of catching up to do."

I can't say I believe in an afterlife, but I do know I want to live a life worth telling the grand story of if there is one. 

I'd tell my gerbils I'm sorry I couldn't protect them. I'd get to meet my grandmother, tell my ancestors how technology has changed, be despised and beloved by the people I'd've never known the minds of. I'd see how my childhood friends' lives played out. Was it fun? Where did you go, what did you see? Did you ever miss me the way I missed you? 

I am someone who very much wants the answers to questions the human mind is probably not designed to know the answer to. And I'm still going to keep looking. 

I think another person you begin to realize you miss is the person you used to be. I can't remember who I was when I wrote this initially. I was the author of this piece at some point, but I feel that the person who wrote this years ago is also someone who no longer exists. 

I share some of her memories. I still have that ache and that void that I want to fix with more words and more hope. 

I don't know how this all works out, but I can say, that looking back, I'm living my life for the better for you. For the scared child that just wanted the world to make sense and be happy. You deserve to love and lose and feel. And you will. I will. For you.

"Thank you for reading, because if just one person liked what I have to say, that is what makes me smile."

A Response to my 12 Year Old Self: Advancements?

 Hi! 

So, quick intro, I'm Ahna, this is the blog I made when I was twelve, and this is the response I'm making as an eighteen year old. I wanted to see and showcase the progression of thoughts and ideals as I've grown up. (I've also edited the blog theme to be less eye-searing to read)

Let's get on with it:

"Ok, so I was just watching videos on Youtube when I saw the title "Cyborgs are the new future!"

Um, what? Ok, that's just a prank, right? Right? 

Nope. "

 

Not our current future. Not positive we have one if things keep up the same way with global warming..

 

"People are insane!This scientist says "I think in the next 200 years or so homo sapiens will upgrade themselves ... into divine beings," ARE YOU OFF YOUR ROCKER? This is the start to every movie where something goes wrong, people are cyborgs, and the world is DESTROYED!"

 

While it is true that many dystopian future media does depict this, it turns out that the actual nightmare is what corporations and companies are charging for such augmentations. Being dependent on money and someone else to use your own body parts is the real end of the world, and it's happening already in 2021. (Also, "off your rocker"? Did I always speak in terms outdated by a half-century? What a cool cat. You really have it made in the shade, super neato.)

 

 "But there's more. "Either through biological manipulation or genetic engineering of by the creation of cyborgs, the perfect creation of organic and non-organic" That's it. 

We're all going to die.

And if that's not weird enough for you, get this: Human HEAD TRANSPLANTS. I mean, I get that people in wheel chairs can walk again and people with paralysis can finally feel what it's like to move, but what happens to the person they take the body from? It would have to be a healthy, living, working body, right? Is it for people who have a death wish?"

 

Bold of you to assume wheelchair users a) have walked before and b) want to be abled. If you're following the social model of disability, it's our current culture's fault being in a wheelchair is even "unfortunate".

 I think being able to transfer your mind to a different body would be neat, actually. I wouldn't do it myself, but hey, if that's what makes you happy, swap away. Still wanna know where the bodies would be sourced from, tho. And how many memories and traits that define you are stored in the physical body? If you were able to transplant your head, would you notice differences in preferences, like those sometimes experienced by people who have had other organ transplants? 

(Looking back at myself and thinking I'm super cringe is a sign of growth, right??)

"Scientists and robot-engineers have also created androids, hoping they will live a long, peaceful life among the people."

 

As far as I know, we have not advanced that far as of yet.

 

 "Why? Androids don't have feelings." 

 

What defines "feelings", little me? Because, as far as I see it, people are just very complex bio-machines anyway. At what point does "simulation" become "reality". I think the only way to answer that question would be to know how much free-will humanity actually has. How much are you a pawn of your brain chemistry and biology? 

(I won't pretend to know.)

"People already have trouble dating other people. What happens when every one is married to some robot and no one can have children? What then, because in my opinion, that would mean: No more human race."

 

Psst, not everyone gets married. Or even dates. You won't. 

Having "true humans" actually isn't that important. You have been made to feel very robotic and inhuman at times, but that doesn't make your feelings any less real or important. I think the most amazing part of "Humanity" is our ability to create and experience and share both. If an android ever wants to talk to me in the future, I'd love to know their interests and experiences. What does it feel like? What is it like to know that you really were created for a purpose by someone else? Can androids experience mental illness or trauma? With people, your brain is fundamentally altered by PTSD, would androids process it the same? Would they choose to remove or edit memories of their own volition? How would androids feel about cyborgs or various prostheses? Could the type of cloning in sci-fi movies really happen if anyone could upload a version of their brains or consciousness to multiple different androids? How would control groups and testing change? Could we make breakthrough discoveries by using what would normally be considered "unethical" experiments on patients who genuinely cannot feel pain? How much of pain is emotional? How could you ever truly know that androids wouldn't be in hurt in some way? Pain is still a very real experience, regardless of it's understand-ability to humans.

"Answer what you think about this issue in the comments. In fact, answer if you think this is even an issue and your planning to accept your robot overlords.

Your anti-android friend,

Ahna"

 

We already have to worry about our human overlords, so maybe hold off on crossing that bridge until you get to it. 

Your android-acceptance and technologically progressive advocate,

Ahna (2021)